I have been ill in bed all day and finally gathered enough energy to make it to my desk. I wanted to quickly sit down and reflect on the highs and lows of 2016, as well share with you my goals for 2017!
As much as 2016 “sucked” as some phrase it, I’m glad it happened. I became aware of my anxiety and I became open to talk about it. At the beginning of the year some events happened to make me more self conscious and insecure about my body, my relationships, and my personality. I would cancel on close friends and spend most days and nights alone in bed. I would only leave my room to go to class and even that was hard for me. I was afraid I would run into someone I didn’t want to or be thought of a certain way by strangers. I lost all confidence in myself and to sum it up, I really just hated myself. I would go out of my way to avoid everyone and anyone. I would walk to the grocery store early in the morning to shop, so I could minimize the chances of running into someone I knew or the people in my apartment. I had a terrible diet because I would eat dry products to keep in my room so I wouldn’t have to interact with my roommates if I was making dinner. I would sit in my room with headphones in pretending I wasn’t home while my roommates were having a party in the living room. It was an awful way to live. It wasn’t until late March (so just the end of winter term) that I said enough is enough. I remember looking my pale self in the mirror and saying “Where is the old Emily.” I didn’t need to say much more than that for me to break down and cry. Sometimes you just need to cry it out. I became aware of what was going on and why I shut people out of my life and it was because of my anxiety. Now before I go any further I must say I wasn’t completely alone. My boyfriend of 2 years in April 2017 is a huge part of my life. I honestly don’t know where I’d be today if it wasn’t for him to keep me motivated or in general, happy. Anyway, I figured out that I had anxiety problems that clearly needed sorting out. I always thought of a person having anxiety or some sort of mental illness to be “weak” or use it as an excuse for being “lazy”. Boy was I naive and borderline stupid. I feel ashamed that I ever thought that because these people are actually the strongest people I could ever know. It is something so personal and difficult to talk about. I am so sorry if I have neglected anyone in the past whom was dealing with mental illness. I didn’t realize this until recently when I started watching YouTube and seeing how these vulnerable people shared their lives and personal stories. I feel as if those people are my friends even though we have never met. It is a weird relationship but I consider it to be one.
As Spring came I began to be very motivated (maybe it was the warm weather and sun). Anyway, as the year continued I finished my classes and graduated University in August. I worked at the same golf course I did the previous summer. For the fall I traveled to Vancouver and Edmonton where I represented the 4th generation in my family company of 70 years in the golf industry. Things started to slow down at the end of October where I found my anxiety coming back. I was back at home living in the basement and unemployed. I would find myself restless at night because I would be laying in bed overthinking my day and worrying about what people thought of me or what I looked like. I still have that issue today but I did find a way to distract myself. I found an interest in lifestyle, beauty, and healthy food. I started watching YouTube and subscribing to people all over the world. I was so intrigued and this is what got me into wanting to start a blog or even one day make YouTube videos myself.
So now you know a bit about my journey to starting a blog and I wanted to share with you my goals for the new year. I don’t call them resolutions because I make goals quite frequently through the year, plus everyone seems to break them come February. So I have broke my goals down into sections. Section #1 being my health, this involves anxiety, nutrition, fitness, etc. Section #2 is in regards to my Education, I am going back to school for a diploma in January. Finally Section #3 is Personal Life, so my family and relationships, that sort of thing. So here we go!
Section #1: Health
- I want to improve my state of mind by taking more deep breaths when I am feeling anxious or stressed. It is something so simple and so mindless but I feel will have a huge impact. Just take a deep breath in and hold it and exhale. That easy!
- I want to continue being more aware of what I am putting into my body. I have been good when it comes to incorporating all food groups into my meals and making sure I take my vitamins, but I have also had been naughty in terms of eating out a lot on weekends and not being all that healthy. So I want to limit my intake of fast food on weekends.
Section #2: Education
- I would like to do well in all my classes. I am fast tracking my diploma so I will be done in September instead of January of next year. I’m going to be insanely busy (which is good!). My goal is to keep a weekly journal and calendar with me to keep track of my deadlines and exams. I don’t want to procrastinating on my readings or assignments like I did in my undergrad. I want to on top of things and really time-manage.
- This isn’t really considered education but I want to keep up with this blog. I am enjoying writing this and feel a weight being lifted off my shoulders as I open up about what I’ve been hiding from people for the past year. So I want to post maybe once a week? I don’t really know if thats attainable but i’d like to try!
Section #3: Personal Life
- One thing that I have been doing that is not fair to anyone in my life especially myself, is lying. I have lied a lot this past year. Whether it came to me saying I was busy so I couldn’t go out or said I had a job in the 3 months I was unemployed. Just in general be honest. I would talk to myself in the mirror and think about the next lie to make myself seem less as a failure. It’s awful and I need to stop doing this.
- I want to say yes to more things. As mentioned earlier I canceled on my friends a lot because I was anxious and scared. I’m not saying pull a Shonda Rhimes and say yes to everything but I want to take it one invite at a time. I want to start by going out with one friend at a time and not being afraid or anxious of what I say or look like. These are people I am really close with and want to have them stay close.
So for a very long first post, I hope someone will find this helpful if you are me Winter time of 2016. I’m not in that place to say it will get better, simply because my time as not come. But I feel I am taking the right directions to a better future. I know 2017 will be full of challenges but I am ready to overcome them and I hope to who ever reads this will stay with me along the way!
All the best,